Sunday, December 28, 2008

A Bitter Pill

A very good friend of mine called miscarriage a bitter pill to swallow. I find that her statement is not only true, but that it is not only bitter but that it is a pill that doesn't stay swallowed. Christmas Eve a very concerned and caring mommy took me aside to talk with me, she miscarried three children, the most recent 16 years ago, and as she talked to me and comforted me I could see the pain in her eyes and hear it in her voice. I am only weeks from finding out that our baby died before I could even hear it's heart beat, and I will admit that my feelings are pretty raw even though today with the hormones straightening themselves out I find that they aren't as raw as they were yesterday. I'm not so sure what my goal is here, or that I have one, I know that losing this baby has changed me and just as I have never been the same since I met and married my true love, just as life has never been the same since we adopted our precious boy, just as life has never returned to be like it was before either my dad or Mark's mom died, life now is changed forever and there is nothing I can do to make it go back to what it was before I found out I was pregnant and before we received the news that we wouldn't hold our child this side of heaven. I know other families have suffered through this, I know that other women have survived and I'm sure that I too will someday talk to another mommy who lost their precious child without getting to hold them in her arms and she will be able to see the pain in my eyes and hear the pain in my voice as I comfort her. There have been many people who have helped me through this thus far, and then there have been those who can't figure out what to say so avoid the subject or me and then of course there are those whose words hurt even though I'm sure they didn't mean for that to be the case. Having someone to talk to about all this has helped me immensely and I find that now I have come to the point where I need to talk/write and so that is my plan to do here. It may be several posts, it may be just this one, it might come and go for years, at this point I can't imagine how I will make it through the 9th of July, our calculated due date, but by God's grace I know that I will and somehow I will swallow this bitter pill and if my ramblings help anyone else maybe that will take the edge off the bitterness as time goes by.

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